So this is new...

Let me first say that this post is extremely uncomfortable for me, but blogging about this sort of stuff is rather cathartic, and really does help me figure out my feelings.
This is (according to my doctor, I have a second opinion appt. this afternoon) alopecia areata. It's a spot about the size of a half-dollar coin on the back left side of my head. They think it's caused by an auto-immune disorder and it is aggravated by stress. I found it last night, and I've had no shortage of anxiety over this.
Am I going bald? When did this start happening and why didn't I notice? Will it grow back and then fall out again? Is it going to fall out somewhere else next time?
And on and on and on...
The spot is covered in super fine, short, white hairs. The hair surrounding the spot is firmly rooted and seems perfectly fine. This is the only spot I have that is hairless, and it can't even be seen unless I flip up my hair and show it to you.
But I know its there, and it's driving me crazy.
I have a huge scar on my lower abdomen that stretches way past my bikini line, my breasts are now scarred (worth it, but still), and now my hair is gone in this spot and I don't know what's going on. I feel like all the areas on my body that made me feel womanly are under attack. It's really disheartening and terrifying. There's something so personal about losing your hair, even from one little spot. Yes, there are lots of women who are bald, be it from chemo, by choice, or for whatever reason. Unless you decide that you like the idea of being bald (Sinead), it's a scary thing. It makes me feel ugly and weird. Like a dog with mange. I know that people can't see it, but I have this newfound fear, and I found myself checking it often while I was out today, to make sure it wasn't showing.
Hopefully (probably) this is the treatable kind and it will grow back and I can forget about it.


  1. I just want to say that I've secretly hated you for as long as I've read your blog because you are so much more awesome at life than me.

    I thought I could cook. You make things with main ingredients. I've never even heard of.

    I can't bake whatsoever. Unless it comes in a box.

    Diet? Never stick to a good one.

    I'm not as eloquent a writer as you.

    And to add insult to injury. Your gorgeous. And not in a normal way. In an Audrey hepburn timeless way. And your boobs are still huge after having a reduction.

    Color me jealous.

    :) feel better. You have fans that scarcely knew you from high school. Think of how the people who do get the luxury of knowing you better feel.

    This is Amy T. By the way. I just realized my Google account name hasn't been matured since I started it years ago.

  2. I'm sure it will grow back! I wouldn't fret about it.
    I love you!

  3. Okay so i broke down crying, sitting on the floor of the shower for about 2 hours a couple of months ago for the same reason. I didn't feel like a girl anymore. I have a huge scar my body now has sacks attached to it where there used to be abs and i have stretch marks from my boobs down to my knee caps... i feel like an ugly old cow. I think maybe it is something we all go through at some point and you will come out the other side with MORE confidence and self worth because you are much more than a hot bod. And you still have a hot bod.

  4. I feel for you and wish you the best. I hate that you don't know the cause of the hair loss but I hope that everything gets better. You're such a good person, I can only imagine karma bringing you the best. Hang in there.

    Kristin Ruleau