Let me first say that this post is extremely uncomfortable for me, but blogging about this sort of stuff is rather cathartic, and really does help me figure out my feelings.
This is (according to my doctor, I have a second opinion appt. this afternoon) alopecia areata. It's a spot about the size of a half-dollar coin on the back left side of my head. They think it's caused by an auto-immune disorder and it is aggravated by stress. I found it last night, and I've had no shortage of anxiety over this.
Am I going bald? When did this start happening and why didn't I notice? Will it grow back and then fall out again? Is it going to fall out somewhere else next time?
And on and on and on...
The spot is covered in super fine, short, white hairs. The hair surrounding the spot is firmly rooted and seems perfectly fine. This is the only spot I have that is hairless, and it can't even be seen unless I flip up my hair and show it to you.
But I know its there, and it's driving me crazy.
I have a huge scar on my lower abdomen that stretches way past my bikini line, my breasts are now scarred (worth it, but still), and now my hair is gone in this spot and I don't know what's going on. I feel like all the areas on my body that made me feel womanly are under attack. It's really disheartening and terrifying. There's something so personal about losing your hair, even from one little spot. Yes, there are lots of women who are bald, be it from chemo, by choice, or for whatever reason. Unless you decide that you like the idea of being bald (Sinead), it's a scary thing. It makes me feel ugly and weird. Like a dog with mange. I know that people can't see it, but I have this newfound fear, and I found myself checking it often while I was out today, to make sure it wasn't showing.
Hopefully (probably) this is the treatable kind and it will grow back and I can forget about it.